He couldn't bring himself to say it. His heart was pounding, tongue tied as it rested on his trembling lips, body feeling empowered with submission, and yes, he did feel something for him, but was that just because he'd taken his amnesia-addled virginity? Everyone knows that pillow-talk feeling, joy still lingering as endorphins and dopamine and arousal coarsed through his blood, still rushing around his veins, threatening that maybe he hadn't had enough. Ryan tried to turn over to him, but only saw the ruffles of brown-blonde locks as he faced away from him. And already the moment had passed.
He hadn't said it back.
That didn't mean he didn't think it, feel it, believe it.
But... he knew nothing about him. He wasn't from Florida, that was obvious: complexion lighter with even a few hidden freckles, his voice lilted with a rugged yet silken accent, and the way he acted showed he was not so familiar with the other friends, Scott and Russ. So why was he here? Living in the same house?
He- he came here for me... Ryan wondered, casting a sheepish glance over his shoulder again, before looking at the band on his ring finger. It was a high karat, nothing cheap; this was meaningful, important, not just a bromance kind of thing. Besides, Felix had seemed rather experienced in knowing exactly what Ryan liked, even when he himself hadn't known.
And he had stayed with him in hospital, all the time, going to hold his hand and then worrying, as if he might break Ryan, as if he was delicate. Was it always this way?
Ryan held his hands clutched on his chest, still marvelling at the ring, disbelieving his own emotions. He was excited, beyond reason. He didn't know him, and yet the idea of marrying him... Yeah... Wh-why not?
"F-Felix..?" he murmured, and this time he did turn over, did put his hand on the man's shoulder, but he was already vaguely asleep. He almost purred with dreams of the past, eyelids fluttering like some kind of crashed angel, lost in a world far too harsh for such a beautiful smile... No way was he going to wake him. Ryan smiled tearfully, sighed, and kissed his cheek lightly.
Felix's lips twitched up, softly rolling over his head and brushing his own lips to Ryan's, sky blue eyes slipping open without a cloud in sight, before mumbling, "Rest. We'll get your memories back in-" glanced to the clock "two hours. Sleep, shower..." He glanced over him again briefly. "And then we'll see how we feel."
Ryan kept quiet as he towelled off his own hair, rubbing the fabric roughly over himself before grabbing a pair of boxers, noting that there seemed to be no division between his and Felix's clothes, and with a smirk he pulled on a pair of Felix's, slightly bigger than his own, and he blushed to himself, knowing exactly why. Still feeling it, in fact. As he turned to head for the wardrobe, there was a crack into the bathroom, and he couldn't resist peering in, watching the man latherining himself in shower gel, head tipped back, eyes shut, body glistening... until his eyes opened, as if knowing he had a peeping Tom, and he smiled smugly as Ryan disappeared and hurried to grab some clothes, now thankingg the extra space in those boxers.
It wasn't long before they were up and ready and there was a knock at the door, leaving Felix to hurriedly do up the buttons of his shirt again as a rosy-cheeked Ryan opened the door, clearing his throat as he welcomed in the others - four of them, the two from the hospital, a red-haired woman, and some buff guy with a bandanna. He swept his arm, letting them in, and Jund looked closely at him till he smirked and nudged Russ lightly.
"I told you, 'Felix' suits him," Russ joked cryptically, and Scott almost rolled his eyes, and then Money explained, "In Latin, Felix means 'lucky'. Lucky, lucky, lucky man..."
Awkwardly, Ryan blushed, and suddenly the question rose to his mind - How many of these guys have I screwed?
They all sat down, each in their usual spots - Red in her armchair, Scott and Russ sharing tenderly, Snake lounging on one arm of the sofa and Felix on the other, leaving him to sit in the middle, where everyone could see him, eyes darting back and forth almost in a panic, till Felix put his arm round his shoulder and beamed at him reassuringly.
Everyone introduced themselves - Scott and Russ, his best friends, now a couple; Red, ex-girlfriend, now also best friend; Snake, random guy in a bandanna with a super deep voice. Felix, best friend, best bro, lover, fiancé, AKA: Pewdiepie. And he was Ryan, AKA: Cry. YouTubers, all of them, bound together by a mutual love of gaming, and, in turn, each other. Oh, and this was Ryan's house.
Already he had a million questions.
"I'm famous for gaming?" Ryan confirmed dubiously. He wouldn't have thought that really counted as a job, but...
"That," Russ cut in, "and the fact you don't ever show your face. That's how you captivate your fans."
"I don't show my face?" Cry asked, weirdly touching his own cheek in confusion. "Why not?"
"You're too handsome for the internet," Red teased with a smirk, although silently everyone had to agree. "At first it was just to be private, then it almost became a running joke kind of thing. Until Pewds here came along..."
Ryan, blinking, glanced over, but even Felix had half forgotten that. The video, the day they got engaged, the day of the crash... "I talked you into showing your face. With me. As a couple," he explained, almost nervously.
"By-the-way, the bros are going nuts," Scott filled in. "They've even started asking me where you are."
Felix shut his eyes almost guiltily. Even though he didn't know them personally, he owed everything to the bros. They didn't deserve being left out on a limb like this. He'd vanished for over 2 weeks, leaving them with the fact he was in a relationship with a man- no, with Cry; the fangirls must have lost it at that.
"Sorry - bros? Face? I-I don't understand..."
It took a while to explain all of that, and no one dared mention the crash, fearing it might set off Felix again when he seemed so at ease right then, but then again there was no question as to why that was. He got his head round it after a while, but it all came clear when Red grabbed the laptop, brought up YouTube, searching "pewdiepie" and clicking onto the latest video he'd uploaded.
Felix trembled to look at the screen, seeing his old intro that seemed a lifetime ago.
"H-how's it goin', bros? Mah name is Peeeeeeeeeewdiepieeeeeeeeee, and welcome to... something a little different. None of this is edited."
Ryan leaned forward, eyes scanning all over the screen, hearing the audio crackle but making out every word perfectly from his partner's lips. Meanwhile Pewdie had to shut his eyes, because although the memories of the video were good, the bad stung in his mind, the deathly silence within the static looming over him like the screech of an engine. He fistsed his hands, cringing and taking a deep, shuddered breath.
"Obviously I'm not in Italy or Sweden any more, as you can tell by... this." He tipped his hand back around the room, to the sofas they sat on now. "And I guess a few of you will have figured it out. Over the last week, I've been moving in, to a fabulous little house in... Florida." He paused. Danced his eyebrows, leaned towards the camera. Cleared his throat and chuckled. "You bros really think I wouldn't tell you? Well, uh... I can do one better. Cry?"
"Pewds, you sure about this?"
"Don't worry about it, Cry." Another little head bob, accompanied by a soft smirk and blush.
"Damn you, sir."
He stepped into the camera, at first shielding himself behind one hand, cerulean eyes peeking out between his fingers, brunette locks sweeping over his face, before Felix pushed his rolling chair back and spun over to him, seizing his arm and tugging him into immortality, bright red and slim with sheepishness before Pewds tugged him onto his lap, struggling awkwardly as he wheeled them back over to the camera, glancing to the screen and watching it come into focus.
"Look at this thing!" Pewdie chorused, and then quoting himself, "I got my own Cry! It's so cute, it's got blushes and everything..."
Ryan rolled his eyes over at him cheekily, too nervous at first to say something till Felix raised his eyebrows supportively.
And with that Felix tipped his cheek round to him and kissed him gently on the lips, both of them smiling, till Ryan wrapped his arms around Felix's neck, wanting to tug him closer, until realising they were on camera and with much unwanted self-restraint he pulled back, and all Pewdie could do was glance over, also almost having forgotten the video as he shifted awkwardly with Cry on his lap, hands straying just below the camera frame.
"Fangirl mode activated," he teased, and then brofisted the camera, shut it off, and only he and Ryan- no, only he would know what happened after that recording finished.
"Most adorably awkward thing on YouTube besides Jund," Snake mocked as the video finished, not even going to Brostep as usual - as Pewdie had said, completely unedited.
Cry just stared at the black screen for a while, before Red shut the lid of the laptop, looking at her friends a little worriedly. He looked like he might tear up.
"I... I want to remember that," he whispered quietly, and looked over at Pewds, who was hiding in his hands till he heard Ryan's words. He glanced round, wanting to smile but...
"We'll make new memories," Felix replied softly, taking his hands, and for a second the glisten of Ryan's ring caught his eye. His own hands trembled a little, full-pink, unringed.
He'd taken it off when there was no "I love you too", and now... Now he didn't know what had happened to it. Paranoid, he glanced up into Ryan's crystal eyes, a saw in them a ring more precious than gold - hope.
"Wait till you hear about you two got together in the first place," Scott said softly, smirking deviously. "Although some of that you maaaay not want to remember."